On the importance of identity expression for liberation
Good morning. I hope this post finds you well. I am sitting in my comfortable armchair in the living room, slowly feeling into my first week of summer holidays. Bristol is gloomy today, and I find this weather quite comforting when writing. Sunshine invites me to go out and enjoy its energy. Sun energy is in my ancestral line going back to the Tatars of Lithuania and, before that, Asian steppes. So, even on a darker day, my internal warmth presents itself in steady hope and optimism passed on to me by my paternal ancestors: their stories, customs, food and most of all, values and outlook on life.
I was raised to honour Nature in all its forms, which is one of the reasons why I am writing on this blog. I was socialised in a non-binary household where women and men (and all other genders) strived to be truly equal. My aunts and uncles passed this on to me, so I am not surprised to read about warrior women’s graves found in the region we are said to have come from.
One of the most precious values in our household was a celebration of freedom: individual freedom feeding into the collective freedom of all, which would be translated into social justice in our present history. So, I watched Michele Obama’s speech yesterday with an open heart.
I am in my 40s, so I am midway through my life. I want to carry such a warm, open heart and light wings of freedom with me throughout my life and in my work. And so both the Sun and wings were two symbols that showed up in my life in the last two weeks—partially intentionally.
Two weeks ago, on Saturday, I visited a local tattoo studio in the beautiful Stokes Croft in Bristol for an appointment with the incredibly talented Loiz. I spent 11 hours with her and her partner – two beautiful people originally from Brazil. We had the most fascinating, rewarding, validating, exciting and connecting conversations while Loiz was embedding a beautiful emperor moth and the Sun on my back. I mark all major life transitions with a tattoo, as many cultures and individuals do. So, to symbolise the midlife transition I am currently experiencing and a nod to my ancestors as I am calmly preparing for my elderhood and leaning into the route towards eternity with them, I sat down for 8 hours of manageable pain to create a symbol of my core values. I needed a trusted guide for that. Loiz is an inspiring artist with a unique style. After meeting her last year at the local tattoo convention for just a few seconds, I realised she is incredibly professional and that we share some parts of our stories (she also transitioned professions and leaned into hope). And fair enough – she was gentle but firm, confident but aware of my pain levels, quietly focussed but also incredibly thoughtful in conversation. She and her partner stayed until 10 pm to complete this beautiful work and held me in so many ways! When you meet such passionate and kind people, you feel like you belong to one tribe of humanity. I cannot thank them enough.
As you can see, my genetic predisposition to manage pain well (there was hardly any swelling after those 8 hours) means that today, 12 days later, the main healing is done. In fact, healing was steady and beautiful from day one. And now, when I breathe, the moth opens its wings and reminds me to steady myself, to take in the world, and to look into the future, hopefully, regardless of what life throws at me.
Midlife is a great opportunity to pause and reflect on how I walk through life. As a liberation practitioner, I would not be able to go to work and support my clients on this journey if I didn’t have my own mechanisms of support to hold hope in darker times. The most important of them all is identity work:
- Connecting with our story (not always the roots – those we may sometimes struggle with),
- Connecting with the land we live on with gratitude to the people who came here before us and connecting to the lands we come from,
- Connecting with Nature in all its shapes and forms as we are part of it – her story is ours, and our story belongs to her,
- Connecting with people – our people and all other people who treat us well and meet us halfway, and walking with compassion towards those who are so lost that they chose to position themselves as “the other”, locked in their privilege, category or any other form of social isolation,
- Connecting with ourselves—which can be difficult if all we have faced in the past was an attack on our core—is a soft, gentle, compassionate move towards ourselves.
My consultancy, counselling, and coaching work, of course, lends itself to doing all of that as it gives me insights, skills and tools. However, I think the core of the work needs to be done in my private life first. So, last week, I visited Glastonbury for the first time to connect with the land I now live on and the more spiritual side of life. During the visit, I had a dip in the White Spring – an inclusive calcium-rich water spring available to the public with additional smaller spaces for reflection, mindfulness or prayer. As I was resting afterwards, a woman started humming. Her humming gradually increased into singing, even howling at times. Other people joined in, even the sceptics. Not everyone, but enough people for the co-created and felt sound to travel and bounce off the brick walls and the stone floor covered in water. For that short period of a song, we were all embraced by what Bayo Akomolafe calls syncopation. Timeless, gentle movement of togetherness felt inside and outside our bodies, simply as it is.
But to feel the syncopation, the flatter of our own wings – to feel into the vibrations of the world and still feel steady, we do need a sense of gravity, and identity work can help us ground ourselves. For me, that steadiness comes from knowing my story. My story before I was born since I was born and the story I hope to dream up for myself.
So, where do we start? Well, I do not think life is simple and linear, so I start in any way I can or please. I visited friends last weekend, and we flew a kite, ate homemade bread and dipped our fingers in their garden pond. We sat and walked together to connect, rest and restore.
I met a friend for a little walk and talk.
A university friend posted under my tattoo update, “Syl, you always had wings!” This made me embody my optimism and hope even more.
I posted about life journey milestones and shared gratitude for those who helped me walk my path.
I cuddled my dog and nurtured plants in my allotment. A butterfly sat on my shoulder, and I connected with the joy of that moment. I was also stunned by the proximity of Nature, especially if we care to look.
I did think about my ancestors a lot. I will be visiting friends in Estonia next week, and that is the region where my paternal ancestors come from, so I want to feel the land, the buildings, and the trees of that region of Europe. I want to taste Baltic food and breathe in the Baltic Sea, remembering my childhood amber hunts on Polish beaches.
Life is messy and complex, and time flows at its own pace, more like “Asturias” than a carefully measured clock. So, I think it is important to pause sometimes for a bit of reflection, reconnection and feel into the movement of life, time and Nature around us and within us.
And then take the next breath. And the next one.
Reflection:
Today, I invite you to softly approach the idea of identity work. I work with complex trauma, and I do know this can be hard, scary or at least unfamiliar for many. You can use some of the ideas from my post above or from the list below, and, in any case, take good care of yourself, rest after work, tend to it, and maybe celebrate and reward yourself. Because even if soft, it is work:
- Use social media and texting apps to connect with people who know you and ask your trusted friends, family or even neighbours for three words that describe you. How does it feel to hear the feedback? Do you see any patterns? Does any of it surprise you? (This is a simple coaching exercise we do with people who are considering a career change, for example, but I recommend doing it now and again, especially if you feel a little bit lost in life).
- Use the Internet to research your ancestry – if this feels right for you. You can Google places you lived in. You can sign up for ancestry service or run a DNA test. Whichever route you take, notice how it feels to have more information about your heritage. Consider how major historical events, family traumas, or pain points that are known to you may have affected you as well. What can you do to heal those ancestral wounds?
- Go to Pinterest and set up a board which is your personal identity collage – pin various images that symbolise parts of your life, your journey, people who joined you or left, big moments and also dreams and hopes. Feel into it and do not judge yourself – your inner child may want to play, so let it.
- Collect your favourite songs into a Spotify playlist; maybe browse for similar music and feel into that, too. Play it and notice how you feel – with all the ups and downs of life, what does this music evoke in your body, mind and soul?
- Find places in Nature where you feel most of yourself and notice why that is. What are your natural conditions for being yourself? Do you need to sit still or move? If you move, what is the pacing that supports your connectedness with yourself?
- Research the Internet for other ways of working with your identity – simple practices or more complex projects – whatever works for you. By being present, be a present to yourself grounded in the people who came before you, steady in your present and open to the possibilities of the future – on your own terms, supported by your community (of people or trees;)). Does it feel liberating?
(Go softly, and I will too. I am slowing down to restore and pack for my trip to Eastern Europe. I am feeling the foot flutter of the moth wings – the excitement of travel to reconnect with my friends and some of my roots.)
