How I approached finding a therapist and my experience of therapy from beginning to end.
Why I wanted to start therapy
Without getting too personal, I did want to cover some of the reasons why I decided to start therapy. During the first COVID lockdown, I found myself living alone in my student house, trying to complete my degree and get through a whole load of problems with my family. I have struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember, going back as far as primary school, and have tried almost everything to feel better. I had received some counselling from CAMHS and the university, but these were both cut short for different reasons. I had been on various prescriptions, including SSRIs, SNRI and pregabalin – none of which I found helpful and some which caused me more harm than good. Before this point, I had considered private therapy, but everything going on pushed me to finally take the plunge. I knew that if I didn’t do something, I wouldn’t survive much longer. Therapy had always felt like a punishment and something that other people did – it wasn’t for me. Despite working with a mental health charity and being a big proponent of talking about feelings, it was never something I could get myself to do. It took a major crisis (or, rather, several major crises) to push me towards what was ultimately one of the best decisions of my life.
How I found my therapist
Looking for a therapist was daunting. It felt like such an important decision, and I didn’t know where to start. I actually asked Sylwia for advice on this as she was someone I trusted and who was knowledgeable on the topic. In past years, I feel I have also taken on that role for some of my friends who have sought therapy but haven’t been sure where to start. I will cover a little about finding a therapist, but Sylwia already has a comprehensive blog post on this called How to find a good therapist?
I started off my search by looking through the Counselling Directory and the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). These websites are both full of trusted counsellors and therapists but I didn’t even really know what to look for.
In the end, I was recommended a therapist by a trusted friend. I had a free 30-minute consultation call to cover what I was looking for help with and to see if we were a good match. I would always recommend having a call or meeting like this before signing up for everything and writing a list of information you would like – if it is important that your therapist holds certain views, go ahead and ask them! You don’t need to hold back, and the therapist should not make you feel bad or wrong for asking certain questions. This is your time to figure out who you will be trusting with your wellbeing and vulnerability. Sylwia’s aforementioned blog post also has a good list of things to look for in a therapist.
What I was looking for in a therapist
When looking for a therapist, I initially had said I would only go with a woman as I didn’t think I would be able to be open with a male therapist in the same way. I actually ended up with a male therapist, which was a big surprise but ended up being healing in its own way.
I still think it is important to consider attributes such as gender, race and if your therapist is LGBTQ+ informed when choosing a therapist, however. In fact, one of the last things my former therapist mentioned to me was that if I were to go back to therapy in future, he thought it would be helpful to have a woman (something I totally agree with!). There are a number of reasons to take these aspects of identity into consideration when choosing a therapist, as lived experience is not something that can be learned. You want to make sure that you are completely comfortable being vulnerable with this person,n and a part of this can be avoiding having a therapist that you have to explain certain things to.
Of course, I was also looking for a therapist that was well-trained and had experience. I wanted someone who wouldn’t be surprised by anything and would know what to say. Accreditation is really important in this regard as it indicates a more experienced therapist who is accountable for their ethical work towards their accrediting body. When starting, I wasn’t sure what I needed or if there was a certain type of therapy I would like, but it is good to take it into account if you can.
How therapy has affected me
A lot of the sessions I had in therapy in the lead-up to finishing were discussions of what I would do in future but also how things had changed in the almost two and a half years of weekly sessions. I have gone from thinking I would never stop many self-destructive behaviours to not even considering them, even when upset. I had been full of self-hatred and self-blame, which has been replaced with self-compassion and kindness. I am able to be more open with those around me, which has led to deeper and more whole relationships. I am much happier and more resilient overall. I have healed my relationship with myself and many aspects of my life and discovered so much about myself that I am proud of.
I find myself using tools that I learnt in therapy every day. Some I have to consciously act out, whereas others have become ingrained behaviours that are totally subconscious. When talking to a friend about something I was struggling with recently, she said ‘what would Pete say’ and we both knew what it was that I needed to do. Despite having no contact since my last session, I can still feel the effects of therapy in my daily life and hear my former therapist’s voice when I need a little push.
There is no denying that I still have more work to do and that is not a negative. In fact, we can always keep working on ourselves and evolving. However, therapy has provided me with the tools and resilience to keep on going, no matter what life throws at me. I am able to find joy in the small things and feel able to cope with life in a way that felt unattainable in the past.
Finishing therapy
This is a process that will look different for everyone. You may set an end date from the very beginning or set a goal that once you have achieved it, you finish. You may slowly cut down the number of sessions or just stop when you feel ready. For me, I never had a set amount of time – I had a lot to unpack and deal with, so I knew it would be at least a year but hadn’t thought beyond that. Eventually, my decision to end therapy was a completely mutual one. My therapist and I had noticed independently that a lot of my sessions were covering how well I was doing and looking back at how much things had changed for me over the duration of my time in therapy. By the time my therapist asked if I had thought about when I would like to finish with him, I had already thought for a month or two that it should be coming to an end soon. It may be that your therapist notices you seem well enough to finish your sessions, or it may be a decision you come to yourself. Either way, you will know when it is time for you to say goodbye. Although your relationship with your therapist can be difficult to let go of, it is an important part of the therapeutic process.
I started off by going down two sessions every other week for a few months, and then we set an end date. My final session was bittersweet. I cried before, during, and after we talked about how much I had improved and what I would be doing in the future. I expressed my thanks, and we talked about how much we laughed during my sessions. He suggested listening to the song Anthem by Leonard Cohen which I found comforting, in the days after this final session. Sometimes, it still comes on when I’m listening to music, and although it feels different, it is a nice reminder of the positive relationship I had with my therapist and how far I’ve come.
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in
– Anthem, Leonard Cohen
Since I have finished therapy
The first couple of weeks after ending therapy were much harder than I anticipated. I cried most days and felt like I had made the wrong decision. I felt like calling my former therapist up and telling him I needed to come back. However, I knew that this was just my initial emotional reaction and that I needed to wait it out. I had been ready to end therapy for a little while and had put it off in the fear that I couldn’t keep going without it. This feels a little silly to say now – therapy was only 1 hour out of the 168 hours in each week, and I had survived just fine in these times!
I am in a job that I like; I have fulfilling friendships and a lovely partner. I have found space to discover what I find joy in and to take care of myself. I sometimes look back at how I used to fee,l and I am so grateful for the changes therapy allowed me to make and stick to. I do want to note that therapy is hard. It is facing everything you have been avoiding and doing something about it. It is painful at times and can be really uncomfortable. However, sometimes, you need to do the hard thing and face the awkwardness to truly heal and move on.
I don’t think that everyone’s experience will match mine, but I do hope that sharing my experience can help to assuage some of the fears about making that leap into finding a therapist. I believe that everyone can benefit from therapy as long as they can find a good therapist and engage with it fully.
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash