How are you communicating your needs?
Welcome to our July Newsletter.
How is this email finding you? I hope you are doing well. In the UK, we are currently experiencing a wave of illness which resembles a severe cold and is nicknamed locally as “summer COVID”, which means that many of us, myself included, are facing some time off – for recovery and restoration of our health. But what is health, really? I am spending a lot of time thinking about the language we use on a daily basis and in coaching and counselling practice. I am enormously privileged to work with therapists and supervisors who call me out (or, as Loretta J. Ross invites us to say: “call me in”). I have recently been called out/in on the use of the following words: “relapse”, “drive”, “healthy”, and “well”. I stopped using some words associated with privilege a while ago, such as “articulate” (especially in relation to clients, young people and migrants). I am still catching myself on using or not noticing people use gendered words (during the recent Bristol visit of the Pussy Riot activists, I failed to notice the moderator use the word “guys” when referring to the female – feminist activists – speakers, auch!). The work is humbling as it opens up an opportunity to notice hidden, default, systemic inequalities. It is also incredibly interesting.
This week, I am reflecting on the use of the sentence “We cannot expect others to guess our needs” in the mental health world. We use it to help clients who may struggle with communicating their needs. Coming from an East-European upbringing, through American education and travels around the world, I am now able to notice the individualistic filter, bias and assumption in this statement, which can also be used as an excuse to cut ourselves off from others or even neglect their needs. Yes, it is helpful when people are able to communicate their needs. However, it is exactly when they feel unwell, under the weather, depleted or simply tired that they may struggle to even open their mouths. Yet, we are all expected to clearly state our needs to help the communication receiver de-code our message. And this does not even factor in discrimination, social positioning or temporary inability to speak up – we have all been there.
Of course, there is an element of the recent shifts in communication, too: from a shared responsibility of the sender and receiver only to the sender. We expect communication to be delivered clearly, tailored to our individual needs, and to respond appropriately. Now, I think life is messy, and context, circumstances, and the capacity to speak and listen can vary. So, the traditional model of communication, in which both the sender and the receiver aim to do the work intentionally and meet in contact with each other, seems more reasonable to me.
Wouldn’t it be nice to experience support from other people around us who can use their empathy, compassion and imagination to guess that we may need a cuppa? I do not think it’s rocket science, yet somehow, it is a skill expected more often from people in less privileged social positions – for instance, women – and that bothers me a little bit. In my collective upbringing, considering other people’s needs was not only respectful but expected of all genders. There is a way to step into another person’s struggles with respect to their agency and still lean in and check in on what they might need at a given moment. There are ways to call in the other, especially if we are in a more privileged space – that is precisely the group, the identity that should be taking on this task, in my opinion. So, if it’s the Euro 2024 final game and you have a calm, supportive relationship, do check in with your friends who seem quiet and isolated (just to ensure that the increased amount of abuse does not affect them).
At Voxel Hub, we have attended the National Conference of Narrative Therapy and prepare for autumn with new academic plans, while we eagerly await the publishing of the Psychology of the Witcher (with our small contribution). We will have more blog content around geek and digital wellbeing soon as well. We are working on the new look of our website too, which is very exciting and it’s coming up soon! Stay tuned.
Have a good, restful summer!
My favourite topic this month
This month, I am exploring narrative therapy and the power of stories for healing:
- Narrative Therapy Classics by Michael White
- Maps of Narrative Practice by Michael White
- Retelling the Stories of Our Lives: Everyday Narrative Therapy to Draw Inspiration and Transform Experience by David Denborough
- The Tree of Life by the Dulwich Centre
- Narrative Therapy: The Social Construction of Preferred Realities by Gene Combs, Jill Freedman
- Bibliotherapy: The Healing Power of Reading by Bijal Shah
If you have any recommendations on the topic, please let me know! Thank you!
Resources & Offerings
Here is a gentle reminder of how to ask for help if you need counselling.
Check out our free guide to counselling and free guide to counselling preferences.
You can sign up for the Psychology of the Witcher Kickstarter campaign updates here.
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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
